I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. ~Jack Kerouac

so when death is all that is happening around you, its all you start to think about. how weird it is to die. what happens next? what happens when the last couple years of your life you have been waiting until you die? it makes you think of the things you could regret. the people you need to spend time with before you die or they die. things you want to accomplish, the way you want everyone to know you.

the way things change when someone dies. how it can never be the same. eventually things will even out and find a new 'normal', but it just wont be the same. theres always that empty spot there. theres always knowing you cant go back. theres the things you wish you could have said or the things you wished you could have changed. but its too late for those, and you still have your life to be living.

there is always more people out there than you know that care about you. there are those people that when you dont expect it, they are there to help. liek my sister said today, "there are times when you need to say 'i love you', and there are times when you need to hear it". and its true, because when everything seems to be headed in the wrong direction, you need those people to remind you that they are there.

death always seems to put life in perspective. i am still just a little kid, but ive been doing this life thing for 20 years now. it makes me wonder, what will i regret later on? they say that your 20's are the years you always want back. what will i want back? how is life going to go on from here? there are a few things i wish would have happened differently, but life is far from perfect. and if it was, where would the excitement be?