I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. ~Jack Kerouac

so today is my day off and i did nothing exciting all day. but that is the way i wanted it to be. i am bored, but at the same time i really dont want to do anything at all. my plants are dying and i am so done ever trying to keep anything alive. my fish all died within the first week ive had them, and my plants always die after the first couple weeks. i am never going ot get a hampster or a hedgehog or a cat or have kids, because they will just all die on me anyways. i know everything dies, but things i own tend to die faster than they should. i guess that means im bad news. dont get too close to me, or i will end up killing you with some secret power i have that i cannot control.

Why did they get a new Belle? I dont like her, I think shes realwhiney and annoying. I definatly like the old Belle so much more. Why did they do this to me? Stop the insanity lisa marie. Juliane wrote me this lovely poem that is taped up by my bed that i get the pleasure of reading all the time. It rhymes. Its really a great work of poetry. My co-inhabitors are coming home today and i get to hear about Dole and I cant wait. They wouldnt tell me anything else. I realized last night that I dont know the password for our voicemail. Not that anyone has our house number and would leave us a message anyways. Except my mom, and Joe. And I cant check it. I am really sick of my job. But I have off next weekend, for no reason. and i am really excited. Ive been drinking cranberry juice like crazy to cure my aching kidneys. I am giving Carrie one of my kidneys in exchange for her uterus. I just went grocery shopping with my mom and got so much food its crazy. More food than i will ever be able to eat on my own. Thats why i got two roomates, to consume the food that I buy. Ive noticed that our floor slopes in quite a few places. The most obvious is the bathroom floor. Our whole front porch is sloped, I almost fell offf it when I went to go get the mail. Everytime I do something that makes me look retarded,  I think about how funny it was when i fell over in church last week, and landed flat on my back in the pew. I dont know if that beats the time in New York when we were walking to the elevator in the hotel, and as soon as we stopped walking, I fell completely over, Like i landed flat on my ass in the middle of the hotel. It was rather strange. I am off centered though because of my complicated ear bones, that throws my whole balance off. And the lump in my neck weighs me down on one side. just kidding.

I am very lonely. I have no internet, no tv, and no roomates. They left me Thursday for the great outdoors and arent coming home til sunday. I really wish i was camping with them but life sucks when you gotta work. So I force Juliane to hang out with me. Actually we had alot of fun. And she cooked me breakfast. ROCK ON. they make fun of me because Carrie is the mom cuz she cooks and cleans, Jenny is the dad that "brings home  the bacon", which leaves me being the little baby.

Hey, if I have any of your numbers in my cell phone, and you recieved a call from my phone around 11 this morning from some random guy, I apologize now. We were bored, and looking for people to hang out with, so Shane was dialing through my phone and leaving crazy messages. The only person we got ahold of was my sister. and she was working at the bar and watching days because bars really arent that busy in the early daytime hours. My favorite message was the one he lefft Sam, which was "Hey Sam this is Kristin, give me a call back." The reason this is funny is because hes a guy and not me. Ok i guess it doesnt make for a good story, but it was really funny this morning. HA. We drank captain last night. A whole bottle as a matter of fact. Im not sure whose bottle of captain it was, but as soon as I find out i am going to replace it. Hey, if you put a brand new bottle of captain morgan in the cupboard of an apartment and leave for a weekend, dont expect your liquor to be there on your return. BECAUSE WE DRANK IT.

I dont think the downstairs neighbor is too fond of us. Just a hunch. Thats why I am not there right now, so that i am not annoying her with my throwing things across the room and all the thumps. Actually, I am not there right now because I am bored out of my mind. Like i said, no tv, no internet. And all my friends are MIA. except Katie just called me back. So I am going to go hang out with her.  hasta la vista.

Carrie has epili-pepsi. I have to babysit  her so she doesnt bite off her tounge. The clapper is the coolest invention ever made. Because we yell so much, our light is always flashing on and off. I havent seen days all week. and i wont be able too. We get 3 channels, but they are all fuzzy and you cant understand them. Thats why we play DDR. and Trog. I just stoled some chicken out of my moms fridge. I come here to eat and use the internet. August 3rd will be the most satisfying day of my life. Why, you ask-well because we will have the internet. Our phone is working now but no one has our phone number. So its rather pointless. My car is sitting in the drive way, but the ac is running. The car is off. This is the 2nd time that its done that to me. I dont get it either. I am not alowed to tell the story about how jim thought i was dead because jenny says it was boring. but here is a good story- i was helping my brother write a letter to mayor tim hanna, and he put"yeah, you could have a bake sale to raise funds for the college ave bridge'. haha. can you imagine the mayor having a bake sale? i think it is hilarous. I wish it was Aug 3rd. I cant wait. If you like pina coloda.

we cant get the internet until aug 3. i feel so lonely without it. as jenny would say, were amish. our phone doesnt work, no channels come in on our tv. all we have been doing is unpacking. today we bought art at hobby lobby. then i came here to check my email. and i had nothing good. almost a wasted trip to appleton. except i came to get the nintendo so we can play it today. we are breaking in the new blender tonight with margaritas. i am wearing party earrings.

I am downloading a whole bunch of Sublime since i dont have my sublime cds. And i am burning a cd. Because that is what i do for fun. Jenny got those Harry Potter jellybeans, and we ate them in her car. The two grossest ones were earwax and earthworm. I told Jenny that i thought the dirt ones werent that bad, and I came home and i was telling my mom that the last one i ate was dirt, and she was like, oh the dirt ones werent too bad....ha. the earwax ones were just disgusting though. Soap wasnt too bad either. We didnt get a spaghetti.

Moving on Thursday. I am excited. And at the same time im not really looking forward to all that work. But once we get everything all moved in it is going to be great. We just gotta try real hard to hide the ghettoness. Me and Carrie are going shopping tomarrow, but its for stuff we need. Jenny yelled at me for buying stationary today, but it is so pretty and Carrie said I could. I love my friends because even though they are all obessed with marriage, they still look at yahoo personals. and they find people we know.

I think the reason that so many people believe in God is because when someone dies, you need to have that feeling that they are somewhere better and will be ok there, and you need that feeling that everything is going to be ok again.

so when death is all that is happening around you, its all you start to think about. how weird it is to die. what happens next? what happens when the last couple years of your life you have been waiting until you die? it makes you think of the things you could regret. the people you need to spend time with before you die or they die. things you want to accomplish, the way you want everyone to know you.

the way things change when someone dies. how it can never be the same. eventually things will even out and find a new 'normal', but it just wont be the same. theres always that empty spot there. theres always knowing you cant go back. theres the things you wish you could have said or the things you wished you could have changed. but its too late for those, and you still have your life to be living.

there is always more people out there than you know that care about you. there are those people that when you dont expect it, they are there to help. liek my sister said today, "there are times when you need to say 'i love you', and there are times when you need to hear it". and its true, because when everything seems to be headed in the wrong direction, you need those people to remind you that they are there.

death always seems to put life in perspective. i am still just a little kid, but ive been doing this life thing for 20 years now. it makes me wonder, what will i regret later on? they say that your 20's are the years you always want back. what will i want back? how is life going to go on from here? there are a few things i wish would have happened differently, but life is far from perfect. and if it was, where would the excitement be?

I have to be to Gustmans in Kauakauna at 730 in the am. that is early. Let me tell you. And then i get to sit there by myself for at least an hour and wait for my car to be fixed. then i work 12-8. what a fun day. Ive been trying to get a hold of Shane, but the guy is sleeping every time i call. So he better not be sleeping tomarrow, or else. OR ELSE. I am so packed. My underwear is even out of my underwear drawer. I am so ready. I havent used my styrofoam peanuts yet. I bet Carrie is happy about that, because she hates styrofoam peanuts. I think she is insane. not just for that. For everything.

I decided at work tonight that i was going to start signing the A in my name, as in Kristin A Wilson, because it makes me look cooler. and my old manager at dicks used to call me 'Kristin a-hole Wilson'. Yes, he said a-hole, which always made me laugh. but a-hole really isnt my middle name. IT be cool though if it was. My earring is real healed, it doesnt bleed anymore and that makes me real happy. I am tired and going to bed so i can get up to meet the man fixing my car. His name is Tom. At least thats what he told me over the phone, maybe thats just his car fixing name.

i am so mad at my sister. i am so goddamn pissed off. i cant wait to get out of this house. i am losing it here.

"The man's lips-like the lips of nearly all bearded men-looked wet and naked, a trifle indecent, shining pink in among all that hair" -Omnibus, Roald Dahl

Sound familiar, Carrie? I love Roald Dahl. Hes the craziest man I know. His stories are so messed up, and I love it. And they dont all end happy. Most of them dont. And I like that, everything doesnt have to have a happy ending because everything is not perfect. I like the kind of stories where it ends and your just sitting there with your jaw open screaming out profanities. Because that is life.

I just had a Taco Bell date with Jenny. First time in like a week. I think i was going through Taco Bell withdrawls. I am going through Sublime withdrawls. And Shane withdrawls, because I have not seen him in like 3 days. That is because between the two of us we work too much to ever hang out. Oh and he is impossible to get ahold, no cellular. He better hang out with me tomarrow. He has to, or else. I promised Jenny I would not buy anything off the internet. ANYTHING. until she says so. Because I am BROKE and I would like to be able to afford rent so my friends dont kick me out.

I took a nap today, the first time since school got out. That explains why I am in the weirdest mood. I am totally listening to early 90's pop on my computer. And liking it. I went grocery shopping with Carrie tonight. Did you know Woodmans is open 24 hours? I did not. Nor carrie, or Jenny. They say you learn something new everyday. I also learned today that I dont like Ashley Simpson. I love Jessica, and I love Nick. But Ashley- no likey. I get to hang out with my kids tomarrow and i am excited. I am going to a Doors concert with my whole family. I am actually excited, but not as much as Nicole. she was so excited when we saw Jim Morrison's pants in Florida that she bit me. I am kind of afraid that I wont leave the concert still living. Shaken Baby Syndrome or soemthing. Chronic Wasting Disease. I dont know what she is going to do to me this time.

Juliane, and me with my baby cat...at our 4th of July bbq

I think I am getting sick again. NOT COOL. My throat hurts so bad and so do my ears. And my jaw. Today I found all my journals from elementary school. In 1991 I almost killed my little brother rollerskating.

So far, we have 3 rules in our apartment...
1. Carrie is allowed to vaccumm any room she wants, at anytime she wants
2. My bed is available to anyone, but it is BYOS-bring your own sheets
3. No walking around naked- own a bathrobe

Tomarrow I am getting my car fixed so I can stop harrassing my friends to bring me to work. And I am going to Jennys grandmas so I can have a cookie. And I am going to work on packing. Packing is so much easier when you have Jenny doing all the work. I am seriously almost all packed to move. Today I realized I really need to find this piece of paper because I need to bring it to my doctor, but I already packed it. So I am going to have to find it. Every time I do a virus scan I find at least 3 unwanted files. ANd I do a scan every other day. Why? What is wrong with my computer? My computer is my baby, well first is my car, then my computer. But I am mad at my car, cuz it is going to cost quite a fourtune to fix it. Ok, around $100. but that is a lot to a girl who is moving and just bought a down comforter. I am in love with my comforter. Hasta Luego. BYE-Q

I hate it when someone always assumes the worst of you, assumes everything you do is for the wrong reasons, and gives you no credit for anything. I hate having to explain everything I do for every reason. I hate being made out to look like the most horrible person. I hate hearing these things. Its hard to want to spend time with someone who doesnt agree with the way you are living your life. Apologies dont make up for the things that were said in the first place. Once I hear these things, you cant erase them.

After cutting fruit for 2 hours and covering my whole aching body in aloe, it is funny that I walk into my room and see a post it stuck to my computer that says 'Yatta'. I laughed out loud to myself. Thanks, Jenny, for the post it. Totally not expecting that. As of tonight, I have so much respect for fruit salad. Who would have thought.

I really need to get my car fixed because it is starting real rough. Maybe i should just get rid of my car and make my friends drive me everywhere. Just think of all the quality time I would make every one spend with me. As if a trip to the grocery store with me isnt enough. I decided not to make a grocery list tonight, that I would get whatever I felt like at the store. My friends that I dragged along with me did not see the pleasure in this trip. I was up and down every isle in Copps four times, because everytime I would get to the other end of the store I would decide I needed something on the opposite end. This also ended up with me finding way too many things that i didnt need and spending ALOT of money. Money well spent, I might add. The bbq tomarrow is going to ROCK. cant wait.

I AM SO SUNBURNT. for real. Last night we went to Shanes and watched kill bill vol one which is an awesome awesome movie. so cool. and my sister came and her friend Shanna and i havent hung out with my sister in a long time. And i wanted to get up early todya and plant my flowers but i stayed up too late. But i had a good time and thats all that matters, right?

at point beach

I am so sunburnt. I think it is because i am unbelivably white. But I even used sunscreen and lots of it. but i still had a good time at the beach. The back of my hands are sunburnt, which is real weird. Like it looks almost as if I am getting hives on my hands. But I didnt eat salmon. Its my day off, and i really have nothing going on. Im just sitting around waiting for someone to call me cuz I am too lazy to start calling around and find out whats going on. The party will come to me. just kidding. Carrie and Jim are eating salmon. But Shane said he'd call me tonight and he hasnt yet. And everyone else is working or something.

Fireworks are tomarrow in Appleton. Leah is coming and i am real excited cuz I havent seen Leah since last summer. She sent me a postcard from Hungry. I guess she can speak some Hungarian, which is cool. But I am real excited to see her. Were trying to put together a bbq too this weekend, and ive been telling everyone about it but i dont even know if it is happening. So I should probably stop inviting people. My mom bought me plants tonight for my pots which is real cool. I have been carrying my cell phone around all day like a psycho, so that if anything i sgoing on tonight i dont miss it. But let me tell you, no one has called me all day. But thats cool, cuz this is the first time ive sat down all day. Straight from the beach i went to Cherry Meadows to visit my aunt there, and then i came home, showered, and ran those stupid errands you gotta do once your an adult. I hate being grown up.

so today i was at work, and i was thinking about decapitation. like how it affects the body. im talking like a quick smooth cut, like with a sharp blade or a gullitine. not like a head being slowly sawed off, thats on a whole different page. well because your brain is in your head and your heart is in your body (call me captian obvious), but when your head is cut off, what stops first? i would assume your brain would go longer than your heart, so you would realize your head is not on your body. and the heart pumps, but it doesnt think. so you couldnt realize there is something missing. but it might actually work longer than the brain. but you couldnt realize that the heart works longer, because the brain does all the thinking. so how do you know? and with the only way to find out, you really arent able to tell anyone. or live. so i guess its just one of those things that i can sit here and think about, and never know.

today was one of those real long days, where you cant remember when it started and your sure it should have ended about 8 hours ago. i swear it should be friday, that somehow i missed thursday because my wednesday was so long. and i am so tired but i dont want to lay down till my pills kick in other wise i will just lay in bed and stare at my glow in the dark stars. and my computer gets real lonely if i dont use it frequently. i bought underwear on the internet this week. on sale.

i told jenny that the reason i am going ot go to kentucky is so that i can make a page in my scrapbook. but in all seriousness, i dont even know if i am going to go. probably because i havent hung out with shane for like a week so i havent even heard anything about it. but he called me the other night. its really hard to get a holdof someone with out a cell phone. which is the same reason why sometimes i hate my phone, because anyone can get a hold of me whenever. but see, i have no reason not to go to kentucky. because my friends have offered to move all my stuff to oshkosh. i told them if i went, i would just move in a week late, but they pointed out that: 1.half the stuff i am bringing they can use, and 2. i am not allowed to lift heavy things because of my joints. carrie said i would have to wear leather though. and carries mom said, dont go on a harley. cuz carries mom doesnt like harleys. she has a honda motorcycle. and carrie has a honda crv. but shane has a harley and thats what hes going to kentucky on.

they call it an eject button for a reason.